BY KELLY HAGEN
Am I trying to make my child successful just so that I will feel successful?
This week, I’m not answering one of the questions my kids asked me. They somehow went a whole week without asking me any questions. Not a one! It was weird. Probably all that candy they ingested post-Halloween. So, yeah, this is a question I found on the internet.
So, do I as a parent want to see my kids be successful? Unequivocally, yes. Struggling ain’t fun, I know that. I was raised blue collar in a tough economy during the 1980s.
My parents worked hard, though, to put food on the table. Most of it I tried to not eat, because rutabagas are gross. But that’s what there was to eat, and if you don’t like it, you don’t eat!
I understand that so much more, these days. There are no foods that I throw away when it’s me paying for them.
We didn’t get extravagances, of course. I can remember bringing home the book order and telling my parents, “I want this thing, this microscope package, this series of books about frogs, etc., etc.” I didn’t actually say the word “etcetera,” because that’s not a word that was in my 8-year-old vocabulary. I’m reprising this conversation the best I can.
And my dad’s response was no. We can’t afford all these. Pick one book, and that’s what I would do.
I had exactly enough toys that I could keep inventory on them. I remember losing a Lego wheel one time, and tearing the house apart to find that one little wheel. It was a good way to keep track of how my life was going. Simpler. Easier.
So, now I’m the parent and my kids have way, way too much stuff. We had a Realtor over to look at the house, and she told us it was the most toys she’d ever seen in one basement.
And the kids have no idea what toys they all own. It’s like a little surprise for them, every time they go downstairs. “I totally forgot I had this Incredible Hulk monster truck! I should play with it!”
And then they don’t, because they get distracted by some other shiny thing, and Hulk just sits and stews. You wouldn’t like that toy when it’s angry, trust me.
But, yes, I do feel bad about all of the stuff my kids have, in comparison to the stuff I had as a kid. But that’s not how I want them measuring their success in life, anyway. It’s not all the stuff you own. It’s about how hard you’re willing to work to get that stuff.
I model that to my kids. Mommy and Daddy both work incredibly hard to give you kids every opportunity we didn’t have. But they should know that they were born on second base, and not think they hit a double to get there.
My hope is that they are able to trade in on the opportunities my wife and I will be able to give to them and make the most of them, the way we did the opportunities our parents gave to us. And that they recognize that privilege is a responsibility to use whatever excess stuff and opportunities you are given and pass them on to those less fortunate.
Kelly Hagen is a former daily newspaper writer and editor, and currently works in communications for a nonprofit organization in his hometown of Bismarck, North Dakota. He has been married to Annette for 10 sweet years, and they have two pretty sweet kids. Yup, things are plenty sweet in the Hagen House. If you have a question you’d like to Ask A Dad, send an e-mail to kelly.hagen@gmail.com.
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