BY KELLY HAGEN
Are you able to take care of us by yourself in Mom’s absence?
- JellyBean, Daughter
That’s a really good question.
And to answer it, I am reprinting a diary I took of my recent experience of being a single parent at home, with two kids, while my wife was out of state for work. I may not survive, but the kids will. This I vow.
Single-Parenting Diaries, Entry #1:
Everything’s fine. Mostly. I just fed the kids lunch. One of them wanted waffle fries. The other wanted mac & cheese. So I baked half a package of fries and made a full box of mac & cheese. Then they both ate about two bites each, so I basically just ate two family-size servings of waffle fries & macaroni + orange “cheese” powder, and has it been four days yet? My brain & stomach both asked.
Single-Parenting Diary, Entry #2 Me: “Do you have to go potty?” Son: “Yes. But I need to finish watching this (marble race on YouTube).” #priorities
Single-Parenting Diary, Entry #3 ... or #7. I can’t remember. Day’s almost done, and the kids are getting ready for bed. Time to read them a story and tuck ‘em in, Dino Dad Style. Don’t worry, wife! Dad’s got this parenting stuff locked down. (Hey, out of curiosity, how do you get them to stop shrieking in terror? Just wondering. I’m breezy.)
Single-Parenting Diary, Entry #84, probably Got the kids up, dressed in clothes that are most likely their own, brushed their hair quickly with my fingers, pushed them out the door and into the car, and dropped them off at places. Now I'm at work, and just going through the whole morning in my mind to remember if I forgot anything. I may have brushed the dog's teeth by accident; he looks so much like the boy. Hurry home, dearest wife-lady!
Single-Parenting Diary, Entry #panther Y’know who really comes in handy when Dad’s on his own with the kids? The in-laws. We were invited over for dinner, and now son GoofBall (not his real name) is using the abacus to keep tabs on Canada’s parliamentary elections tonight. Looking good for Trudeau, according to my 5-year-old’s abacus calculations!
Single-Parenting Diary # I’m Too Scared to Count Right Now This will be my final diary entry. I fear that by the time you read this account, it will be too late. I put both kids to bed. Last night, the oldest kept me up until 10 p.m., working on her “New Math” homework assignment. Then the youngest woke up at 2 a.m. and wouldn’t go back to sleep because “it’s taking forever!” What does that even mean? I went to work on no sleep. NO SLEEP, JERRY.
NOW ... sorry, caps lock was still on. Now, it’s 10 p.m. on the last night without their mom, and the oldest is just getting to sleep because of homework, the youngest was bouncing off the walls before bed, and I can’t find that T-Rex costume anywhere.
Best guess is it became self-aware and is living in the basement now. I’m not asking it for rent, but I should.
I’m in a dark place. Not sure where, but there’s a ceiling fan in the background, so solid bet I’m still in the house.
My wife comes back from Louisville, Kentucky, tomorrow and relieves me of this duty. Hurry back! Travel safe! And we never heard from our hero again. I hope I’m OK.
Kelly Hagen was a former newspaper journalist, a writer and communications professional. He lived in Bismarck, ND, with his wife, Annette, and their two young children. If you have a question you’d like to Ask A Dad, send an e-mail to kelly.hagen@gmail.com and see if he responds.
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